You're Doing WHAT? (Part 1)

A few months ago, we made the courageous decision to home school our 3 children. Lot's of people have been asking, "Can I ask you why? Did something happen at school?".  Truth be told, it wasn't just one thing and it wasn't just school. If you asked me a year ago if I'd ever consider home schooling my children, I would've laughed in your face! Not because I'm against it, but because my house is small, my kids are crazy, I'm crazy and home school is a whole lot of crazy to be added to a small house with crazy kids and a crazy mom! God had other plans, though, and I couldn't deny the very strong call to do this over the last several months. One thing I've learned along the way, is to never be so confident in my life plan, thinking that I know what the next moves are all the time. God can change it up at any time and ask me to do something that I didn't plan for, and His plan will always be FAR better than mine!

The journey to this point began before I even knew it was beginning. Almost 2 years ago, my twin sister, Erika, called me and said, "I just took an online test. I have moderate to severe ADD. And by the way, you have it too." I laughed, not surprised much of her result but didn't quite think she was right about me! I hadn't even taken the test yet, so how would she know (when you're an identical twin, you kind of just know stuff...the way no one else could!)? I had her send me the test and sure enough...moderate to severe ADD. I took another, and another until I finally considered that this self diagnosis could be correct. I was kind of devastated. I felt sad in the weeks to follow. I always wondered why I was the way I was and thought my "bad habits" would go away as I got older. Or maybe when my kids got older and I had less on my plate. At this point I was facing the fact that this is not going anywhere; it's a thorn in my side.

A lot of people say, "I think everyone has ADD in them, we all have it a little." It's true that we all can lose focus, and become distracted. When it interrupts your life, affects your day to day and the people in those days, then that's when something needs to be done. While I always considered myself to be someone who had it "a little" I hadn't considered that I have it, like really have it! So when this realization came about, it affected me emotionally. I was sad and felt hopeless. I've gotten really good, over the years, at hiding my ADD and I think I got good at hiding it from myself. I wanted to deny this so badly, but at the same time, I knew God wanted me to do something.
A friend of mine referred me to a psychologist/counselor, and after getting his contact info, I called him...probably 6 months later (cause that's how us ADD peeps do things)! I started going to counseling in October of 2015 and began to learn how to live with this disorder in a way that was rewarding instead of feeling like a failure all of the time. I began learning about myself and how to use my strengths and how to change my outlook on my weaknesses. I turned them into challenges, goals, and began making strides in my day to day life. I was given tools and methods and was being held accountable for them all. There were many times that I would fall down and need to pick myself back up again, but instead of feeling like I failed, I was supported. I had my counselor, my husband, my best friend and my family all on my side. I became more open and honest about having ADD, anxiety, and insecurities. Letting that all out just made me stronger. None of it came easy, and at times, I felt like the changes I was making were going at such a slow pace. When I shared this with my counselor, he encouraged me and told me that my pace was perfect. I had been dealing with ADD my whole life with no help or awareness. My changes shouldn't come overnight! I SHOULD mess up and fall down and learn from my mistakes. As long as I didn't stop and hit rewind; as long as I could keep pressing on, I was on the right track. Once, he compared it to fad diets. People who go on a "quick fix" diet lose lots of weight, feel and look great in a very short amount of time. Then, before they know it, they're back to where they began, and sometimes even worse. This was something I could personally relate to! I began to appreciate this steadier pace; the pace I'm STILL on, to this day. It's guilt free, it's forgiving, and it's paved with victory!

So what does this have to do with home schooling my kids? Well, there's more on that, but I've realized, without learning about myself more, I would've never made the decision to home school. I'll share more about what led me to consider home schooling next time!

Changes in Mother's Day

Yesterday was my 10th Mother's Day. Over this past decade of my motherhood being celebrated, so much has changed. I remember my first mothers day...the husband just didn't quite get how special it was for me. Every other day of the year, the guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show that he's thinking of me, but on Mother's Day, he sort of...dropped the ball! I can remember crying about it and us getting into a heated discussion. I had been getting texts and calls all day asking how my first Mother's Day was and everyone asking "what did Steve do for you?!" I felt robbed (and quite sorry for myself). We've both changed very much since then. While Steve has made a substantial improvement, I have as well. Did you hear me say that, 'this guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show me that he's thinking of me....'? He's not perfect, but he shows his love for me so often and openly throughout the year that I wouldn't trade that for the most perfect Mother's Day ever.  I have grown in the fact that, while I may anticipate and hope for an amazingly spoiled mother's day (don't we all, ladies?!), I don't let my world crumble to pieces over it when my Mother's Day dreams don't come true. I look more forward to the next time Steve surprises me with an unexpected date on the town (with overnight sitters!!). Or when he randomly takes a day off from work to spend some much needed time at home. And (probably my favorite) when he goes food shopping and brings me home a little sushi treat! Awareness; on the days when I don't expect it. Way better than getting it all squished into one day. 10 years later, I feel the love on Mother's Day more than ever when I think about the days in between!

Officially Seven

Seven. There's something about the age of seven that just sounds so...big kid. Warren has always been my baby. I mean, they're all my babies, but Warren, from the very beginning, has always been my dose of little kid. Leading up to the day he graced us, I feared that my longing to have a daughter so badly could possibly alter my excitement level when I gave birth. I knew that I would love any baby that I was blessed with, that wasn't the concern at all! Between saying good-bye to the days of Trevor being my one and only and wondering if I'd ever have a daughter, my anticipation was...well, off. Those last couple of weeks of pregnancy were so emotional for me. I was just shy of turning 26, I had an 18 month old baby who was huge and running all over the place, and I was about to have a scheduled c-section with 6 weeks of healing and no lifting. What was life going to be like? I knew I would miss Trevor so much being in the hospital, I could hardly deal with saying goodbye to him the night before delivery when we dropped him off with his auntie. Then it happened....the Dr held up my big ole baby and announced..."It's a boy!"

How is it possible that in that moment of his 2 second little life on earth, I could feel an outpouring amount of love for this child that nothing else in this world could measure up to? I loved him as much as my oldest child; instantly. There was an immediate burst of excitement, happy tears and smiles. My first thought was that Trevor had a brother; a future best friend and playmate. Once I got him in my arms, I knew that Trevor was just fine with his auntie, and I'd see him when I got home! I knew that having a second son was part of a perfect plan and that not having a girl (yet, wink wink) was just the way it was supposed to be and I didn't want to change that for anything. Time went on and, at the stage that Trevor was walking and running (9-10 months old!), Warren was still my snuggle bug baby that couldn't care less about all the hype of running around. His lazy bum finally started walking around 13 or 14 month old. I began falling into that trap of comparing my children and wondering why Warren wasn't following the same path as Trevor. Turns out, they're two different people! I am beyond thankful that my kids are all very different. It keeps things entertaining...day in and day out! Trevor has always been very tall for his age and he has a side to him that has been more mature, and ahead of the game, for the most part. Warren is...well, the complete opposite! So back to the seven thing...it's a bittersweet number for me. I can't believe my little guy is a big kid. Of course, age is only a number. He will forever dwell in my heart and mind as my little guy. His personality will keep him young for all of his days. I know he will forever be making people laugh, he will never stop being goofy. He'll love building Legos till the end of time, and he'll always be a huge fan of movies like Jaws, Jurassic Park, ET, Star Wars, Jumanji, Hook,...and all the adventurous classics! His imagination will take him far in life, and his love for babies, little kids and animals will certainly win the girls hearts. He will always have the gift of prayer, among other gifts that he's blessed with. He will always be protective over his brother and sister. He will always be well liked and people will always have fun with him...his smile and laugh are contagious! If anyone doesn't like him, they can try and mess with him, but he's tough as nails; the only thing you can hurt on him is his feelings. We'll always compare him to Leave It To Beaver, we'll always wonder where he thought up some of his sneaky ideas, and we'll always cave when he gives us those puppy dog eyes displaying his love for sugar. Some things, though, I hope won't last forever; I hope he will one day stop picking his nose, I hope one day he starts eating some vegetables, I hope one day he stops dripping on the toilet seat, I hope one day he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom, I hope one day he won't think kisses from mommy and daddy won't be too germy, and I hope TO GOD he stops bringing bugs and creatures into my house (like, right on the dinner table)! Whether it's his always or his phases, they are pieces of him that make up our Warren Walter. I can't imagine him not being the way he is. My baby. My little guy. My mumma's boy. Happy seven, big kid.

Back On Track

It's so fun to get off track sometimes, isn't it? Getting back on that track is so challenging, yet OH so rewarding! In the past year or so, I've learned a lot about myself and the insecurities that have lurked in my brain for several years. That whole story is for another day, but for now the short of it is this....it's not worth it. I've learned that thinking of how I look, or what I weigh, and constantly wondering what people must think of me is completely selfish, totally self centered and not honoring to God at all. I didn't feel like I was being selfish, because I was thinking badly of myself. It doesn't matter what we're thinking though, does it? Whether I'm constantly thinking good or bad of myself, I'm still obsessed with myself! Not what I want at all. That brought me to change. God called me to be done with that, so with much hard mental work, I made some major changes. I stopped weighing myself, stopped complaining about my body and how I looked and decided to just have a season where I wasn't focused so much on my image. It's been about a year or more and I have been so much happier! My outlook on things is so different. It hasn't been a perfect journey, and it probably won't ever be. I still have the tempting moments where I want to listen to those little voices saying, "just say you look fat, you know you do!" That's where my strength from the Lord comes in and saves the day, because I certainly could not fight those demons off on my own! 

All of this brought on a sort of, a comfort for me. I was really healthy for most of this time, but over this past winter, I got extra comfy. I mean, who doesn't feel extra comfy when there's 3 feet of snow out side and you can hide under leggings and big sweaters?! Every time I could start to see that track I wanted to get back on, but it would snow again...making it really hard to see any track! Spring has come and is almost gone and now there's no excuse. I can see the track as plain as day. This past Monday, I decided to get on it and not look back. I don't usually weigh myself anymore but after joining My Fitness Pal a few days ago, I thought...ehh, what harm could it do? I had originally made some wild guess as to how much I gained. I was really hoping I had shot high with this guess, but turns out I was exactly right! Talk about knowing your body! Shockingly, I did quite well with the news. If this were the old me, I'd be dwelling in my sorrows for days on end, been a witch to my family, and probably would've Googled the latest fad diet and jumped on the wagon. 

Not going there and I'm feeling quite victorious about the whole thing. I know the victory for getting back on track typically doesn't come till somewhere down the line...like after you've lost the weight or gained some muscle or completed some cleanse; but not this time. My jeans might be a little tighter, I may have divulged in some bad eating habits and become physically weaker, but I can't even explain the mental strength it takes for me to not let a number on a scale take me down. While I'm not willing to sit around and let my jeans get tighter and be ignorant of my health, I'm also not willing to look at myself like a failure or obsess over the whole thing (while it's quite tempting!). 

I want to be healthy, I want to eat good, stay fit and not be sidetracked my by old self loathing attitude. Jeans getting tighter isn't the end of the world, it's the start of getting on track and taking the first steps with the right focus and frame of mind that God calls us to have when caring for our bodies. The best part about listening to what God wants is knowing He's right there with me the whole time. The second I feel alone is the moment I have fallen and tried to do it on my own. It will happen, probably more than once or twice. But with His grace and love, I will be picked up, once again, and move further along on that track each time!  

Our 2 Weeks of Summer

They're gone. Once again. Another visit in the books. This visit has left me feeling a little different than usual. There was a lot of "usual" that went on while the Bales' were home, but it was a little more...magnified than "usual". There was the usual tears, heightened emotions, and lack of sleep from all of the kids, but it seemed to effect them more this time. Maybe quarters were to close, maybe it was the ages and stages that some of these kids are at, maybe it was that they just didn't feel at home. There was the usual lack of communication between the adults, changing of plans at the last minute, and feeling like there wasn't enough time in the visit for everything we wanted  to do or people we wanted to be with. But this time, some things came to a head, feelings were felt, words were spoken, and exhaustion was upon us all.
I appreciate every visit we have with my sister and her family. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of things getting harder each and every time. I'm sick of cramming months of unspent time together into several days. I'm sick of all the cousins getting so frustrated with each other by a week into a visit because they go from never seeing each other to being forced on top of each other.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't want to share my sister with anyone else while she's here, I'm sick of not knowing when the next time I'll see  them all again, I'm sick of saying goodbye, and seriously...I'm sick of gaining 10lbs by the time they leave...every time!
So many fingers seem to be pointing in the direction of, MOVE HOME! In my point of view anyway. Oh, how our lives would be changed in so many awesome ways! I hate feeling like we're missing out on a season that we can never repeat. It's going to come and go so quickly and I want us to all be together for it. And we're not. I want us to be that village that I always anticipated us being.
Is it selfish to say that these visits are not enough? They're expensive, they're squished (in so many ways!), they're emotionally draining and few and far between. The kids are SO off routine that we start making excuses for all of them and let them get away with murder. It makes me feel like we're all only seeing glimpses of what these kids are really like because they are so out of the norm. And it's not their fault. I'll shove some candy in every one of my kids faces if it means they'll be quiet so I can have 5 more minutes of chatting with my sister! Bedtime routines are shot because no one wants to spend the time away from anyone to tackle that job. The men go from having amazing times together to hardly talking till the next visit.
I sound like an unappreciative, complaining little brat. I just don't get it. 5 years ago when the Bales moved away, God was most certainly sending them in His direction. It was so clear. But is He always that clear? Sometimes I feel like we wait for God to give us some blatantly obvious sign when it's not really needed. Or is it? Sometimes it seems so clear to me that these guys are supposed to end up back here...and soon. But does anyone else see that, or is it just me? The trips back and forth from Memphis to Boston and Boston to Memphis are getting fewer and fewer but more exhausting each time. I hate not knowing what the future will bring. I live on the hope that things will change but let's be real...it just might not.
I'm going to go back to my Dr.Pepper and box of Cheez-Its now (my own little pity party) and hope for the best. Tomorrow things will go back to normal again and there will be no summer days together or fun sleepovers with the kids. No last minute ice cream runs, or backyard bbq's. No double or triple dates or BFF beach or pool days. Our summer together happened in a chaotic 2 weeks in the middle of May.

Now I Know

As Christian's, we are taught, right from Biblical scripture, to put God first. Always. He comes before any other human in our lives..so we say. I believe with all my heart that we should live our lives this way, but it's pretty hard, isn't it?! I have always said that I love God more than anyone...but I've never been quite sure how I knew this statement was true for myself. They are easy words to say, and I do love God so much, but for some time, there has been nothing really tangible to prove I could love God more than another person. I love my family so much, could I possible love God more than them?

About 3 years ago, the person in this world that has been closest to me ,since day one of my existence, moved hundreds of miles away from me. My identical twin sister went from living a mile down the road to many miles down the road! The easy explanation for this would be that a new job for my brother in law was what led them there. The real explanation was that God led them there. They both prayed and felt very strongly that God provided this job for them only because there was a divine reason for them to get up and move away. Never in a million years did my sister and I ever think that this day would come; that we would be apart for longer than a lengthy honey moon with our husbands. During the decision making time of this trip, I wanted nothing more than for the whole plan to fall apart and for them to stay. But through lots of praying, I had a gut wrenching certainty that they were right; God wanted them to go and He wanted me to support them in it. Lots of people, even family, were not at all convinced of this decision. Of all these people, I know for a fact that, I wanted them to go least of all; but I knew they had to. I've never missed people so much in my whole life. For the first year, I spent so much time crying that my kids would see me sad and their common reaction was, "mommy misses auntie again!". Now, I'm probably creating this picture, that I never see my sister. We've made quite a successful effort of seeing each other. Aside from a few times, we've found a way to see each other every few months. Nothing compares to every day, but it could have been worse! Every time I've gone to visit them, I get this overwhelming feeling that it would be great to live there. My husband had been told about job opportunities during visits and the houses were homes we could never dream of having in our current location. Plus, we'd be reunited with our (growing) families! It seemed perfect, at times. Of course, we'd be leaving other family and friends behind, and that never felt happy either. But my heartache to be back together with my twin and the desire for our children to grow up together, sometimes, took over that. My husband and I would go back and forth on this every time we'd visit.

In the meantime, at home, my relationship with God had sort of been at a standstill. I was thirsty for a church family and to really belong and have God be more present in my family's lives. I prayed it about for a while, and looking back, God was answering that prayer a long time ago. When my sister left, she also left a group Bible study that we had been part of for several years. Her and I would help to lead the study and when she left, another woman began coming and she took over. After about a year, this woman felt that God wanted me to lead the group. So for a year, I did. I wasn't really sure what God was doing to me in this time, but I could feel that it was something. Later I was asked to be a part of our church's women's ministry planning team. I had an opportunity to give a presentation on beauty (my passion) in front of a large group of women and at the same time, incorporate scripture. (I know it's hard to think you can incorporate the beauty industry with the Bible, but ya had to be there!). I had always been searching for an answer to, "Why, God, did you make me a hairdresser and love making people feel good on the outside?!" Sometimes I felt guilty about that but I began to get those answers. I began getting to know other women, other moms, families, young people, old people.....a family of people! I also began getting so much closer to the Lord. God was opening doors and giving me exactly what I had prayed for. I wasn't standing still anymore.

This summer, on my birthday, (our should I say, our birthday since I've always shared my birthday!) I was having a tough moment, wishing that, on just this one day, us twinsies could be together to celebrate. It was during the month of August that the talk of moving to where my sister lives came up between my husband and I and I was feeling so vulnerable. It was also to the point of which, I had a good feeling, that if I really wanted this, I could totally convince the hubby we needed to do it! Weirdly enough, every time the topic came up, my church's name, Grace Chapel, came to the front of my brain. It was strange because I wasn't feeling attached to our church, nothing like my attachment for my twin, that's for sure! I knew it was a God moment, and for the first time, my desire to move away and be near my other half, was dwindling. I didn't think that was possible!

About a week later, I was asked by our church to be the coordinator for the women's ministry at our church campus. I had never felt so sure about a decision to say "yes" in my life. It wasn't until a few days later that I realized I did something for the very first time. I chose God over a person. Not just any person, but MY person! I stopped considering up-routing our life to be near loved ones and I listened to Him, trusted Him, and loved Him and it felt GOOD! So wait, did God prove something to me, or did I prove something to Him?! It doesn't matter, does it?  I don't know what God has planned for me here or at our church, but I know He wants me here.  He doesn't want me many miles away. Maybe He took my sister and her family half way across the country for me to realize this, but now at least I know the truth; I really do love God and want to put Him first, and those aren't just words that I question their truth about anymore. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for the future of my family and me. Of course I still miss my sister and her family more than anything, but now I'm working on trusting in God that He will take care of that.

ONE MORE THING!!!
This verse is one I need to refer to often! I hope you will too :)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.-Proverbs 3:5-6

37 Days

Today is my 37th day of Insanity. More than half way done! I can honestly say that my life has changed in these 37 days. It may sound crazy, but it's totally nothing but the truth! I never understood the testimonies and stories told by people when it came to fitness or health changes. I believe this journey for me started before these past 37 days. I honestly think my life changed when I gave up my very lame addiction of Diet Coke. You can read about that in my blog, Talk of Resolutions. Anyway, it's amazing how giving up one thing can make you think about so many other things. This made me think about eating healthier and what all the hype was about eating clean and organic. While I'm not a crazy nut about either of those things, it's certainly sparked my interest as well as concern. Especially when I'm responsible for what goes into the mouths of the three little loves of my life and making sure they're healthy. In all my research about being healthy, there was never anyone who claimed that exercise and regular physical activity didn't play a role in being healthy and living longer.

It was a couple of months ago that I was asking God for some energy. I had this laziness that came over me and I felt so sluggish. I didn't want to clean my house, or get off of my couch to do anything! I hated waking up in the morning so early, I just wanted to sleep longer. I wasn't sad or depressed, just exhausted. But why? Could my excuse be that I'm a mom of 3 and I'm super busy? Well, I'm not alone! I thought if I prayed about this, God would hand me over some extra energy...just in some miraculous form where I'd not have to do anything to get it! I should have known then that God doesn't work like that!

A family member had put Insanity into our hands months ago. Sure, it crossed my mind, but not enough to "push play." Finally, a week or so after that prayer, something inside of me was begging for more than just eating healthier. Even though I wasn't fat, I wasn't at all content with my body. I was craving a transformation and heard that Insanity was just the type of program for that...and I had it! So why not? A couple of weeks into it I had realized that this was just the beginning of God answering my prayer that I had requested to Him. I was waking up early to work out, I was being energized, I was becoming the opposite of lazy! I still didn't really WANT to clean my house...but maybe that will come in time hahaha!

I decided right from the beginning to put myself out there to have the feeling of being held accountable. The more people I told, the more people would see me as a quitter if I didn't finish. I told family, friends and even strangers. I got on all my social media networks and went nuts haha! It was through Instagram that I met a Beachbody Coach and became a part of his and his wife's "team". I believe it was no accident, that I came across these guys who have been nothing but supportive and uplifting to me. On top of that, they too are Christian's. It's important to me to have my main supporters understand how much this change in me is very much tied in with my faith. So after joining their Shaun T (creator of Insanity) group on Facebook, I learned so much and became a part of an awesome community. I started drinking Shakeology, which I LOVE, and I just this week officially became a Beachbody Coach. I'll talk more about what that is soon, but basically it's a door that has been opened for tons of opportunity for my family and me. Being a Coach isn't being a personal trainer, but it's being a supporter and way for others to find more out about becoming apart of Team Beachbody. I can offer products, like Shakeology and programs, like Insanity and I can stand behind them because I KNOW how awesome they are!

My journey is just beginning, I'm so excited and I honestly can say, I don't plan on looking back :) I posted some pics of my progress so far. Due to my insecurities, I never thought I'd post some of these, they were just for myself. SO pardon the hair and the serious faces lol. I know that pictures can be inspirational to people, as they have been for me. So as hard as it is for me to post these, I'm doing it anyway :)

ONE MORE THING! 

After starting Insanity, my twins sister started a week later, my husband started a week after that and my brother in law started another week after him! They're loving it! Please don't hesitate to ask any questions at all if you have the desire to start something like this! I'd love to help :)

People have been asking about Shakeology...find more info here!

 www.beachbodycoach.com/chachakp