Back On Track

It's so fun to get off track sometimes, isn't it? Getting back on that track is so challenging, yet OH so rewarding! In the past year or so, I've learned a lot about myself and the insecurities that have lurked in my brain for several years. That whole story is for another day, but for now the short of it is this....it's not worth it. I've learned that thinking of how I look, or what I weigh, and constantly wondering what people must think of me is completely selfish, totally self centered and not honoring to God at all. I didn't feel like I was being selfish, because I was thinking badly of myself. It doesn't matter what we're thinking though, does it? Whether I'm constantly thinking good or bad of myself, I'm still obsessed with myself! Not what I want at all. That brought me to change. God called me to be done with that, so with much hard mental work, I made some major changes. I stopped weighing myself, stopped complaining about my body and how I looked and decided to just have a season where I wasn't focused so much on my image. It's been about a year or more and I have been so much happier! My outlook on things is so different. It hasn't been a perfect journey, and it probably won't ever be. I still have the tempting moments where I want to listen to those little voices saying, "just say you look fat, you know you do!" That's where my strength from the Lord comes in and saves the day, because I certainly could not fight those demons off on my own! 

All of this brought on a sort of, a comfort for me. I was really healthy for most of this time, but over this past winter, I got extra comfy. I mean, who doesn't feel extra comfy when there's 3 feet of snow out side and you can hide under leggings and big sweaters?! Every time I could start to see that track I wanted to get back on, but it would snow again...making it really hard to see any track! Spring has come and is almost gone and now there's no excuse. I can see the track as plain as day. This past Monday, I decided to get on it and not look back. I don't usually weigh myself anymore but after joining My Fitness Pal a few days ago, I thought...ehh, what harm could it do? I had originally made some wild guess as to how much I gained. I was really hoping I had shot high with this guess, but turns out I was exactly right! Talk about knowing your body! Shockingly, I did quite well with the news. If this were the old me, I'd be dwelling in my sorrows for days on end, been a witch to my family, and probably would've Googled the latest fad diet and jumped on the wagon. 

Not going there and I'm feeling quite victorious about the whole thing. I know the victory for getting back on track typically doesn't come till somewhere down the line...like after you've lost the weight or gained some muscle or completed some cleanse; but not this time. My jeans might be a little tighter, I may have divulged in some bad eating habits and become physically weaker, but I can't even explain the mental strength it takes for me to not let a number on a scale take me down. While I'm not willing to sit around and let my jeans get tighter and be ignorant of my health, I'm also not willing to look at myself like a failure or obsess over the whole thing (while it's quite tempting!). 

I want to be healthy, I want to eat good, stay fit and not be sidetracked my by old self loathing attitude. Jeans getting tighter isn't the end of the world, it's the start of getting on track and taking the first steps with the right focus and frame of mind that God calls us to have when caring for our bodies. The best part about listening to what God wants is knowing He's right there with me the whole time. The second I feel alone is the moment I have fallen and tried to do it on my own. It will happen, probably more than once or twice. But with His grace and love, I will be picked up, once again, and move further along on that track each time!  

Our 2 Weeks of Summer

They're gone. Once again. Another visit in the books. This visit has left me feeling a little different than usual. There was a lot of "usual" that went on while the Bales' were home, but it was a little more...magnified than "usual". There was the usual tears, heightened emotions, and lack of sleep from all of the kids, but it seemed to effect them more this time. Maybe quarters were to close, maybe it was the ages and stages that some of these kids are at, maybe it was that they just didn't feel at home. There was the usual lack of communication between the adults, changing of plans at the last minute, and feeling like there wasn't enough time in the visit for everything we wanted  to do or people we wanted to be with. But this time, some things came to a head, feelings were felt, words were spoken, and exhaustion was upon us all.
I appreciate every visit we have with my sister and her family. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of things getting harder each and every time. I'm sick of cramming months of unspent time together into several days. I'm sick of all the cousins getting so frustrated with each other by a week into a visit because they go from never seeing each other to being forced on top of each other.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't want to share my sister with anyone else while she's here, I'm sick of not knowing when the next time I'll see  them all again, I'm sick of saying goodbye, and seriously...I'm sick of gaining 10lbs by the time they leave...every time!
So many fingers seem to be pointing in the direction of, MOVE HOME! In my point of view anyway. Oh, how our lives would be changed in so many awesome ways! I hate feeling like we're missing out on a season that we can never repeat. It's going to come and go so quickly and I want us to all be together for it. And we're not. I want us to be that village that I always anticipated us being.
Is it selfish to say that these visits are not enough? They're expensive, they're squished (in so many ways!), they're emotionally draining and few and far between. The kids are SO off routine that we start making excuses for all of them and let them get away with murder. It makes me feel like we're all only seeing glimpses of what these kids are really like because they are so out of the norm. And it's not their fault. I'll shove some candy in every one of my kids faces if it means they'll be quiet so I can have 5 more minutes of chatting with my sister! Bedtime routines are shot because no one wants to spend the time away from anyone to tackle that job. The men go from having amazing times together to hardly talking till the next visit.
I sound like an unappreciative, complaining little brat. I just don't get it. 5 years ago when the Bales moved away, God was most certainly sending them in His direction. It was so clear. But is He always that clear? Sometimes I feel like we wait for God to give us some blatantly obvious sign when it's not really needed. Or is it? Sometimes it seems so clear to me that these guys are supposed to end up back here...and soon. But does anyone else see that, or is it just me? The trips back and forth from Memphis to Boston and Boston to Memphis are getting fewer and fewer but more exhausting each time. I hate not knowing what the future will bring. I live on the hope that things will change but let's be real...it just might not.
I'm going to go back to my Dr.Pepper and box of Cheez-Its now (my own little pity party) and hope for the best. Tomorrow things will go back to normal again and there will be no summer days together or fun sleepovers with the kids. No last minute ice cream runs, or backyard bbq's. No double or triple dates or BFF beach or pool days. Our summer together happened in a chaotic 2 weeks in the middle of May.

Now I Know

As Christian's, we are taught, right from Biblical scripture, to put God first. Always. He comes before any other human in our lives..so we say. I believe with all my heart that we should live our lives this way, but it's pretty hard, isn't it?! I have always said that I love God more than anyone...but I've never been quite sure how I knew this statement was true for myself. They are easy words to say, and I do love God so much, but for some time, there has been nothing really tangible to prove I could love God more than another person. I love my family so much, could I possible love God more than them?

About 3 years ago, the person in this world that has been closest to me ,since day one of my existence, moved hundreds of miles away from me. My identical twin sister went from living a mile down the road to many miles down the road! The easy explanation for this would be that a new job for my brother in law was what led them there. The real explanation was that God led them there. They both prayed and felt very strongly that God provided this job for them only because there was a divine reason for them to get up and move away. Never in a million years did my sister and I ever think that this day would come; that we would be apart for longer than a lengthy honey moon with our husbands. During the decision making time of this trip, I wanted nothing more than for the whole plan to fall apart and for them to stay. But through lots of praying, I had a gut wrenching certainty that they were right; God wanted them to go and He wanted me to support them in it. Lots of people, even family, were not at all convinced of this decision. Of all these people, I know for a fact that, I wanted them to go least of all; but I knew they had to. I've never missed people so much in my whole life. For the first year, I spent so much time crying that my kids would see me sad and their common reaction was, "mommy misses auntie again!". Now, I'm probably creating this picture, that I never see my sister. We've made quite a successful effort of seeing each other. Aside from a few times, we've found a way to see each other every few months. Nothing compares to every day, but it could have been worse! Every time I've gone to visit them, I get this overwhelming feeling that it would be great to live there. My husband had been told about job opportunities during visits and the houses were homes we could never dream of having in our current location. Plus, we'd be reunited with our (growing) families! It seemed perfect, at times. Of course, we'd be leaving other family and friends behind, and that never felt happy either. But my heartache to be back together with my twin and the desire for our children to grow up together, sometimes, took over that. My husband and I would go back and forth on this every time we'd visit.

In the meantime, at home, my relationship with God had sort of been at a standstill. I was thirsty for a church family and to really belong and have God be more present in my family's lives. I prayed it about for a while, and looking back, God was answering that prayer a long time ago. When my sister left, she also left a group Bible study that we had been part of for several years. Her and I would help to lead the study and when she left, another woman began coming and she took over. After about a year, this woman felt that God wanted me to lead the group. So for a year, I did. I wasn't really sure what God was doing to me in this time, but I could feel that it was something. Later I was asked to be a part of our church's women's ministry planning team. I had an opportunity to give a presentation on beauty (my passion) in front of a large group of women and at the same time, incorporate scripture. (I know it's hard to think you can incorporate the beauty industry with the Bible, but ya had to be there!). I had always been searching for an answer to, "Why, God, did you make me a hairdresser and love making people feel good on the outside?!" Sometimes I felt guilty about that but I began to get those answers. I began getting to know other women, other moms, families, young people, old people.....a family of people! I also began getting so much closer to the Lord. God was opening doors and giving me exactly what I had prayed for. I wasn't standing still anymore.

This summer, on my birthday, (our should I say, our birthday since I've always shared my birthday!) I was having a tough moment, wishing that, on just this one day, us twinsies could be together to celebrate. It was during the month of August that the talk of moving to where my sister lives came up between my husband and I and I was feeling so vulnerable. It was also to the point of which, I had a good feeling, that if I really wanted this, I could totally convince the hubby we needed to do it! Weirdly enough, every time the topic came up, my church's name, Grace Chapel, came to the front of my brain. It was strange because I wasn't feeling attached to our church, nothing like my attachment for my twin, that's for sure! I knew it was a God moment, and for the first time, my desire to move away and be near my other half, was dwindling. I didn't think that was possible!

About a week later, I was asked by our church to be the coordinator for the women's ministry at our church campus. I had never felt so sure about a decision to say "yes" in my life. It wasn't until a few days later that I realized I did something for the very first time. I chose God over a person. Not just any person, but MY person! I stopped considering up-routing our life to be near loved ones and I listened to Him, trusted Him, and loved Him and it felt GOOD! So wait, did God prove something to me, or did I prove something to Him?! It doesn't matter, does it?  I don't know what God has planned for me here or at our church, but I know He wants me here.  He doesn't want me many miles away. Maybe He took my sister and her family half way across the country for me to realize this, but now at least I know the truth; I really do love God and want to put Him first, and those aren't just words that I question their truth about anymore. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for the future of my family and me. Of course I still miss my sister and her family more than anything, but now I'm working on trusting in God that He will take care of that.

ONE MORE THING!!!
This verse is one I need to refer to often! I hope you will too :)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.-Proverbs 3:5-6

37 Days

Today is my 37th day of Insanity. More than half way done! I can honestly say that my life has changed in these 37 days. It may sound crazy, but it's totally nothing but the truth! I never understood the testimonies and stories told by people when it came to fitness or health changes. I believe this journey for me started before these past 37 days. I honestly think my life changed when I gave up my very lame addiction of Diet Coke. You can read about that in my blog, Talk of Resolutions. Anyway, it's amazing how giving up one thing can make you think about so many other things. This made me think about eating healthier and what all the hype was about eating clean and organic. While I'm not a crazy nut about either of those things, it's certainly sparked my interest as well as concern. Especially when I'm responsible for what goes into the mouths of the three little loves of my life and making sure they're healthy. In all my research about being healthy, there was never anyone who claimed that exercise and regular physical activity didn't play a role in being healthy and living longer.

It was a couple of months ago that I was asking God for some energy. I had this laziness that came over me and I felt so sluggish. I didn't want to clean my house, or get off of my couch to do anything! I hated waking up in the morning so early, I just wanted to sleep longer. I wasn't sad or depressed, just exhausted. But why? Could my excuse be that I'm a mom of 3 and I'm super busy? Well, I'm not alone! I thought if I prayed about this, God would hand me over some extra energy...just in some miraculous form where I'd not have to do anything to get it! I should have known then that God doesn't work like that!

A family member had put Insanity into our hands months ago. Sure, it crossed my mind, but not enough to "push play." Finally, a week or so after that prayer, something inside of me was begging for more than just eating healthier. Even though I wasn't fat, I wasn't at all content with my body. I was craving a transformation and heard that Insanity was just the type of program for that...and I had it! So why not? A couple of weeks into it I had realized that this was just the beginning of God answering my prayer that I had requested to Him. I was waking up early to work out, I was being energized, I was becoming the opposite of lazy! I still didn't really WANT to clean my house...but maybe that will come in time hahaha!

I decided right from the beginning to put myself out there to have the feeling of being held accountable. The more people I told, the more people would see me as a quitter if I didn't finish. I told family, friends and even strangers. I got on all my social media networks and went nuts haha! It was through Instagram that I met a Beachbody Coach and became a part of his and his wife's "team". I believe it was no accident, that I came across these guys who have been nothing but supportive and uplifting to me. On top of that, they too are Christian's. It's important to me to have my main supporters understand how much this change in me is very much tied in with my faith. So after joining their Shaun T (creator of Insanity) group on Facebook, I learned so much and became a part of an awesome community. I started drinking Shakeology, which I LOVE, and I just this week officially became a Beachbody Coach. I'll talk more about what that is soon, but basically it's a door that has been opened for tons of opportunity for my family and me. Being a Coach isn't being a personal trainer, but it's being a supporter and way for others to find more out about becoming apart of Team Beachbody. I can offer products, like Shakeology and programs, like Insanity and I can stand behind them because I KNOW how awesome they are!

My journey is just beginning, I'm so excited and I honestly can say, I don't plan on looking back :) I posted some pics of my progress so far. Due to my insecurities, I never thought I'd post some of these, they were just for myself. SO pardon the hair and the serious faces lol. I know that pictures can be inspirational to people, as they have been for me. So as hard as it is for me to post these, I'm doing it anyway :)

ONE MORE THING! 

After starting Insanity, my twins sister started a week later, my husband started a week after that and my brother in law started another week after him! They're loving it! Please don't hesitate to ask any questions at all if you have the desire to start something like this! I'd love to help :)

People have been asking about Shakeology...find more info here!

 www.beachbodycoach.com/chachakp

Insanity Day 9

Today I completed day 9 of INSANITY! It's really so strange to me that I'm actually waking up in the morning and looking forward to my work out! The reason it's so strange is because I literally feel like I'm going die each and every time I do the video! At first I was pretty sore, but now, I'm just feeling a slight soreness, mostly when I walk up and down my stairs. The first few days, I swear I looked like I should've been in a wheelchair! So far, the hardest things for me are the push-ups and the high-knees (high knees are kind of like running in place but every time you lift each leg, your knee should be coming up to your waist.). I HATE high knees! I like push ups, but I'm still pretty weak in that area. Instead of stopping, I usually do as many as I can and then  join in with girl push ups. Which, they really shouldn't be called girl push ups, I hate that! They should be called "half way push ups"! I'm excited for the day when I can do more in a row.

One thing I have in my head, is that I do not want to skip any days on this, unless I'm deathly ill. Today was one of those days where I knew if I didn't get my workout out of the way, I would be tempted to not do it at all. Trevor (oldest son) has to be out waiting for his bus, thankfully our driveway is his bus stop, at 7:10 am. Then Warren (middle son) has to be at school between 8-9 and I had to drop off Tessa (youngest princess) at my mom's in time for me to get to my Bible study by 9! The good thing about all this running around was that it's all in our hometown! After Bible study, I needed to get Tessa, then Warren, and then home in time to get Trevor off the bus. I'd have a couple hours in between until my hair client in the late afternoon. I just knew that the workout needed to be done before all of this. So I set my alarm last night and did my workout at 6 am. During the workout, the boys kept joining in and they'd tell me that I was doing a good job! It actually did help. It's weird, but I didn't want them to see me give up!

Towards the end, when I can hardly talk because I'm so beat, I was trying to give out orders to Trevor, "Buddy (pant, pant, pant) get your socks on!". It's a challenge enough for me to get Trevor dressed and ready for school by 7, let alone wake up and do Insanity at 6am! I am NOT a morning person...BUT I think that table has the potential to be turned. I LOVED that I was done for the day after that! And I was so awake after when I got Trevor on the bus, that getting the other kids ready and out the door wasn't as challenging. I might actually do this again tomorrow! If I become a morning person through all of this, I'll be amazed and very pleased! I've always wished that I could have more energy at the start of the day.
That's pretty much it for now. I'm eating really healthy, but at the same time, I do have trouble with when to eat what. Protein, fat, carbs??...so I'm working on that, but I'm slowly learning! Here's to week 2! So far in week 1, I lost 3lbs!!

One More Thing...
Today I joined a women's Bible Study at my church. I'm so excited about it! I lead a Bible Study through my church as well, but this was so great to show up with not having to prepare anything. Also, it was so awesome to be in a room with just women (sorry guys haha) and be able to learn, chat, share and just be real. I'm looking forward to the weeks to come! And thanks to my mom, for taking Tessa!

Finally Made a Decision

So I finally decided on a resolution for the year of 2013. Maybe it's more of a goal than a resolution, but anyway, you get the idea. I decided that I want to be more organized with our money. We tend to be a little careless at times and we're not great at saving. I know we could change this around and I've been feeling the pull to do it, so that's one. The second goal is to become more physically fit. I've got the healthy eating down pretty good (although there's always room for improvement) but I haven't made time for exercise in years. I had 3 children in less than 5 years, so in between I did some, but nothing that ever lasted. My youngest just turned 17 months and now that there's no more kids in the near future (or probably at all), I want to make room for this in my life. 

Two days ago I started the workout DVD program, INSANITY. I've had it sitting here for a while and for some reason, the other day, I just felt really motivated to do it. I'm the type of person that loves looking at other peoples progress and before and after pictures. They really do inspire me! When I see these people who started out so unhealthy and overweight and they turn themselves into these sculpted little power houses, I think, 'well if they can do it, I can do it too!'. There's just a few things that usually get in the way of my inspiration: time, kids, and laziness. The past couple of weeks I've been paying more attention to how much time I spend scrolling through my phone, or watching TV at night and I thought, 'I have no excuse!'. 

I started on Tuesday because Monday was a holiday and we had a big huge delicious roast beef dinner at my parents house. I was in no shape for exercise, but it was an amazing last meal before starting this program :) The first day is a fit test and that alone was a killer. Yesterday was 40 something minutes of crazy, insane cardio! I can hardly move this morning. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it today, but I'm hoping as I move about this morning that my muscles will loosen up a bit. So, I'll be updating on my 60 day journey! I'm hoping by tracking it here, it may be a form of accountability. I do NOT want to give up. So here it goes!

This is me, before and after workout day #2. I was literally stripping down by the end! 

What kept me going was seeing the people on the DVD fall to the ground during our 30 second break. It let me know that this wasn't just hard for ME!  Maybe if I get brave, I will show MY before and after progress pictures. After having 3 kids (2 of which were over 10lbs) my stomach is probably the loosest and weakest part of my body. I'm really insecure about it. In my mind, it's impossible to change. I hope I prove myself wrong!

ONE MORE THING!

It's February vacation for my kindergartner this week and all the bedrooms are a mess and laundry is piling up. I hate falling behind. It feels like I'll never catch up, especially with all the kids home at the same time! Now I've got this soreness from working out and I'm dreading carrying laundry up and down my stairs to the laundry room :/ I kinda just want to close all the doors to the messiness, forget about the laundry and sit here with my heating pad and tea. Okay, now I sound like an 80 year old! Time to get off the couch, happy Thursday!

Morning Moments of Tessa K

I just love when our mornings settle down and I can watch my favorite little girl explore her world :)

Always has been one of my favorite positions for a kid to sit in. They're so bendy!

Checking out her new bath toys...on the bathroom floor instead of the tub!

Found her big brothers cool glasses. Trying so hard to figure it out!

I love this one. She's had her tongue out since day one. Happy, sad, laughing, crying...there it is! 

ONE MORE THING!

About to head to the mall with all three kids and the hubby. Are we just asking for a disaster? Hoping for a pleasant experience! It seems every time we head out to do errands as a family, we look back and say, 'one of us should have stayed home with the kids!' One day, maybe, we won't say that, and maybe today is the day! Hopeful :)