Light to the Shadow 12-09-24

 There's something about after 3pm in New England after the time changes in the fall. It's late fall, early December, as I sit here writing in my New Hampshire home, by the cozy fireplace. There's some leftover snow from a light coating that came in last night, and the sun is already beginning to turn in for the day. Somehow another day is almost behind me, and lately that seems to be happening too quickly, too often. I probably should be making it more of a habit to get outside a little each day, but I have to admit that I'm guilty of allowing the homebody in myself to come out during this season.  Christmas is twinkling all over the house, with little expressions of my family and me nestled in all of the nooks and crannies. It's mostly quiet, while today at home with me is only half of my brood. Warren and Wade...my Ws. They've had a few little struggles today, mostly from mister 7-year-old, but could I honestly expect less? These two have been counting down the hours and minutes till they could be done with their schoolwork and chores so they could have an hour together of playing Minecraft. This means an hour without my phone, since Wade uses that when he plays MC. He has begged me to skip over lessons, save it till later, or just do it tomorrow. Little do they know that I've been counting down the hours and minutes right alongside them! Other than some occasional screaming (in brotherly love) to one another from upstairs...I'm enjoying somewhat of a calm and serene, RARE moment! 

This past weekend, Tessa and my nieces went to stay at my parents' house for their annual granddaughter village and tree decorating.  The big boys (Steve included) were busy with work and/or playing video games. This left a perfect opportunity for some Wade time, also a rarity... at least one on one. Saturday, we invited his friend Matthew to go see The Polar Express in our little Town Hall Movie Theater. He met Matthew through our homeschool community and they have hit it off since day one. They're just adorable together, embracing each other with a massive hug every time we see them! This day was the very first time in Wade's seven and a half years on this earth, that he ever had plans with JUST his friend and no siblings...from either party! I'm pretty sure he thought it was a miracle in the making when the plans were being made. He told Warren that he could join us, but he'd have to sit in another row! To Wade's delight, Warren passed.

A couple days leading up to this, I realized that being the youngest of 4 kids, and being 10 years behind the oldest, is not easy. Wade at times gets lost in the shadows of our teens. Thursday prior, so much "teen drama" was happening, it took my attention away from Wade and his wiggling tooth. As I sat in our living room, talking with two emotional teens (Trevor and his girlfriend), Wade came bursting into the room with a bloody tissue in his mouth yelling, "my toof is loof!" He let us know it was about to fall out, and without a thought I brushed him off and told him to go into the bathroom with that blood and try eating an apple to get it moving along. Attention back on the bigs. A few moments later it occurred to me that had this been Trevor, or even Warren or Tessa, who were all at tooth losing phases together, I would've made a massive deal over this. A loose tooth was "kid drama"! I shifted my attention to Wade, all while trying to keep the focus of the teens. This juggling act is literally only for clowns, and I felt like a failing act! Somehow, I saved the day...or night...spending hours and hours awake with Wade, only for him to finally fall asleep by 2:30am. This was to ease his anxiety and fear of swallowing his tooth. It seems I never know what I'm getting myself into with Wade promises! 

The next evening, Tessa was having a severe diabetic low. I'm sitting with her on the couch while she is shaky and scared. With an emotional quiver, she asks me to pray for her, while we wait for the juice to kick in. Meanwhile, Wade comes bursting in the room (DeJa'Vu), running around with a bloody paper towel, "my toof feww ouw!" Once again, caught between tides of two kids, at the same time! Wade eventually got my attention, and fairly quickly, but he did have to wait just a little bit. It feels unfair as a mom to not be able to give each child equally exciting experiences and reactions, but at the same time, this is how they learn about real life, patience, sacrifice, and love. 

Needless to say, Saturday was special. Not just for Wade, but for me too. At the stage where he wants some time with his buddy but still wants mommy to sit with him at the movies too. He whispered and giggled throughout the movie to his friend, all while holding my hand, and exchanging glances with me during the parts we knew were our favorites. I don't know when the last time was that either of my teen boys held my hand or sat on my lap. Funny how we remember the firsts for so many things, but those last times...we just never know. I'm holding onto potential lasts for a little longer with Wade!

During the movie, I was an emotional wreck. The movie makes me cry just with the musical score alone! Tie into it all the reflections and flashbacks of the memories with my big kids, along with being intensely aware that Wade is the last kid I get to do this with, just forget about it. My joy for him getting this time with his friend, and then with me, heightened all of my emotions to a level I feared wouldn't be hidden once the lights came back on! I pulled myself together and ended the afternoon with some cute pictures of our two pals, and a trip to the old-fashioned candy store across the street. This outing couldn't have come at any better timing. I'm especially thankful for that wiggly tooth, which brought some light to the shadow that Wade so often gets lost in! 

A Very Long Season

 In my last post I shared about a "season". I had no idea I left an unpublished draft just sitting there from 3 years ago. At first, I didn't have a recollection of writing it, but then as I read on and noticed that I included the time I was writing, (middle of the night) it started to come back to me. Interestingly enough, this 3-year-old excerpt could've been written 5 seconds ago; it still pertains! Maybe it's a very very...very long season (check it out here  For Everything There is a Season).

It occurred to me recently how much I miss writing. Every now and then I jot something down, but it's very inconsistent. I don't really want to partake in that trendy obligation of sharing every bit of my life to the internet. This can be hard, ant tempting, once you get going with anything on the world wide web. Still, it's not my plan. I do, however, have a lot of things I'm going through, or have gone through, that I know could be helpful, supportive, encouraging, and/or just a way to make someone smile! I've got to clean this space up a bit, since I haven't updated that I now have a fourth child (who is 7!) and in a few months, I will be the mom of 3 teenagers! 

Things I hope to be sharing more on: Teen parenting, homeschooling, New England living, Jesus, caring for a child with type one diabetes, marriage, family, friendships, chronic illness, Lyme disease, ADHD, dogs, cats, gardening, poetry, and all the little miracles in between. If you're here... happy reading!

-Krista

For Everything There is a Season

For everything there is a season, Krista, and a time for every matter under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

2/16/21 

2 AM (ish)

Seasons seem to be an understatement for life in our home right now. Some days it feels like I have many people looking to me as the person who controls the weathervane... as if I have the ability to stop a storm or make it all warm and sunny. All I have to do to stop a daily storm with my kids, is to give in. And not the little things that are sometimes worth sacrificing victory, but the things that God honoring parents need to stand their ground on. It feels like a gust of wind trying to knock me down (hard!) every time I'm accused of being "so mean". It feels like hard, deafening rain when I'm unsure if I'm making the right call. I just want it to lighten up so I can hear more clearly what God wants me to do. Instead, I find myself screaming and yelling over all the elements, as if that helps! My kids may not hear me, but I know my Heavenly Father can hear my softest whispers through the most violent of storms. I know and trust that there is purpose to this season; the one which grows a teenager! It feels a lot like New England springtime... cold, raw, down pouring buckets of rain, mixed with days that tease us with glimpses of summer. Sometimes it even snows after a 75-degree day! But summer always comes!

Prevent The Stomach Bug!

TESTIMONY:
A couple of years ago, my family and I were visiting the BFF and her family in the germy, contagious month of December. We had Christmas around the corner and my sister and kids would be visiting from out of state just after that. While normally I was quite laid back about germs with my friend's family, this time I had warned each of my kids NOT TO SHARE any drinks or silverware and to be extra good when washing hands. I wanted a healthy couple of weeks! Thinking my chat was successful and that my reasoning would be motivation for them to be cautious of germs, I sat back and enjoyed my visit while the kids played. It wasn't until all of the kids came stomping down the stairs to show us what they learned on the harmonica. THE harmonica. "THE" meaning, singular... and dripping with the drool of each and every one of them. Well, that was a fail...and to top it all off, my husband decides to give it a good wipe on his sleeve and start playing himself. REALLY?! Well it was a good try and as far as we knew, all of us were healthy so I knew I shouldn't overact. We went home and an hour later I got a call from the BFF saying, "we've got a puker!" Her oldest started the dreaded stomach bug and all of us had been more than exposed! So what did I do, I went home and Googled..."how to prevent the stomach bug after being exposed?" And that's where my research began. I put it in place immediately and not one of us caught that bug!

PUT IT TO USE:
I learned a lot about our body's PH scale and how when it's balanced, it's ready to fight off the bad stuff...especially the stomach bug! Here is one Blogger's info on the stomach bug that inspired me to keep reading and put these easy health tips into our every day lives. Not only has it prevented the stomach bug, but unknowingly, we have been improving our health in so many other ways as well! SO EASY!!! Check out this quick video on Bragg's website to learn a little more!

I finally created my own little concoction that works for me so I thought I'd share and I hope you pass it along so that others can reap the benefits of this awesomeness. Here's what I do ONCE A DAY...for the bug prevention as well as daily health benefits!

1 can of seltzer water
2 tsps (usually the cap of the ACV is a tsp)
1/3 cup (about) of Welch's 100% Grape Juice NO SUGAR ADDED
Ice (optional, but tastes way better cold!
1 cute mason jar (optional!)

I drink this once a day...and it's not bad!!! I've actually grown to really look forward to it!

TIPS & INFO YOU SHOULD KNOW!
-Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar is (in my opinion) the best. I love their products! If you can't get your hands on this brand, just make sure it says on the label "contains the mother". This is pretty much the pulp at the bottom of the jar, which is what makes this whole thing work!
-Shake that mother up before pouring!
-NO SUGAR ADDED is so important. Adding sugar to this drink would basically be a wash out. Sugar will make your PH levels imbalanced and that's the whole point here.
-You don't have to use seltzer...I just like this because I like bubbles and a little added flavor. You can use plain water too!
-Don't take ACV straight unless instructed to. Mixing with another liquid helps your body to absorb it properly.
-When I know for sure I've been exposed to the stomach bug or even other sickness (like when my kids have it or they share a drooly harmonica with their sick friend) I drink this 3 times a day, lessen the water, and strengthen the grape juice. The grape juice isn't just for taste, it also aids with the PH balance and has lots of antioxidants in it!
-This whole remedy is to level your PH balance (sorry to be repetitive), so it won't work as well if you're eating or drinking super unhealthy. It's all about balance!
-I only give my little kids 1 tsp...I fill a shot glass with grape juice and add the acv to that. Same rule of thumb...1x a day for health and prevention, 3x a day when we know they've been exposed.
-And one of my favorites...LYSOL WIPES DO NOT KILL THE STOMACH BUG! Here is a great resource for what DOES work...please don't use the wipes for a stomach bug....it's a waste of time!


Lastly...I am not a doctor, I just like to learn and research things :)  I am not getting any payment or credit for this information. Just passing this along so that this world can be a little healthier without the use and cost of unnecessary medicine. I hope it helps you and your family!

"You're Doing WHAT?!" (Part 2)

I'll start off by saying, that this time, it was NOT the fact that I have ADD that I haven't posted in so long! For those of you who know me, you know that we are expecting our 4th baby. We found out about this little bundle of surprise, about a week before we began homeschooling (go ahead, laugh!). I also have a very good friend, who had a life threatening tragedy happen to her around the same time (more on this in another post). Between those two things and beginning homeschooling, finding time, energy, and concentration to blog has been challenging to say the least. I'm here now though! So here's part 2....


I left off sharing about how I discovered myself to have adult ADD, how I get help for it, how I'm still working on it, and how I'm learning about myself. During that process one of the things I realized was that I had a lot on my plate. Since it's almost Thanksgiving, I'll use this analogy: every year I look forward to this meal like no other. It's my favorite! We celebrate Thanksgiving at my parents house with lots of family and TONS of food. We set it up buffet style (it looks so pretty!) and I fill my plate, piling all the fixings on top of each other, being careful not to let anything spill over. I take an annual picture of my overflowing dish and dig in. I try with all my might to finish every bite on my plate, regardless of how much I can't breathe for hours post dinner.  My life had been relating to this scene very much. "My eyes are bigger than my stomach"...but I somehow make it fit, no matter the cost. I had a lot on my plate in life, and I put everything on the plate all on my own without anyone telling me I had to. I liked being full, but hated not being able to breathe. It would affect my family and my happiness in the end...always. I was advised to start intentionally taking things off my plate and learning to say no...even when I really wanted to say yes at times. It was all about balance. It felt so freeing! While it felt freeing, it also felt still. At one point I had gotten rid of so much that it felt like the calm before the storm (but not in a negative way!). I prayed about it and felt God was saying, "be still, keep learning, something big is headed your way." I told my counselor this and he was very intrigued and excited. At one point I visited my younger sister, who home school's her daughter. She's the same age as my oldest son, and they both have similar focus issues. I couldn't believe what she was learning and how she was soaring with her studies! Meanwhile, my very intelligent son was regressing in school. His teacher kept telling me he couldn't focus, but that he was too smart to get any academic assistance. His class was big...like 25 students big. I started to wonder if I had truly considered all my options. I began researching and researching the idea of homeschooling. I talked about it to my husband and he was interested and supported me in looking into it more. I talked to best friend and sisters. I kept getting mixed reviews.. while one would say, "go for it, best idea!" the other would say, "you just slowed your life down, don't you think you should enjoy that?!" Well I honestly had no desire to just be still and enjoy the slowness, but I also didn't have any interest in crowding my plate again. I prayed, researched and finally brought it to my counselor. This man is a 30 year retiree professor from a prestigious college...the man is very intelligent and really knows his stuff...and my stuff haha! I knew if it was a crazy idea, he would tell me (especially being a former educator). I brought the idea to him and he said, "I think it's exactly what you're supposed to be doing, I think it's going to be the best thing for your kids, and I completely support the idea." Wow! I didn't see that coming. I thought there was a good chance of him saying, "wait another year." or, "are you sure? I'm not sure you're ready for that." But he knew me inside and out and he believed in me! It was so refreshing and exciting. I felt like I graduated something. Husband and I began taking it more seriously. We met other local homeschooling families, we looked into curriculum and home school groups and organizations. We prayed a lot, we eventually talked to the kids about it and came to the decision to go for it. At that point, I had only told my counselor, sisters and best friend. We made it official and began telling family and finally at the end of the school year, we made it more public. I still was working on my insecurities and it was difficult to share this news, a little fearful of what people may think or having to hear their opinions. But honestly, I overcame this insecurity through it all. It made me more confident as time went on. I had ZERO question that this was the direction God was leading me in.

 Even after finding out I was pregnant, even after being more fatigued in the last few months than I've ever been (or so it seems), even after most of my alone time has vanished, even though I clearly don't have this down yet, and even though the transition from public school to home school has been nothing short of a never ending struggle...I still just know. Life wasn't meant to be still, or easy and it looks different for us all. God has nestled Himself in our lives and in this decision. He's here all the time and works through others to provide just what we need: support and words of encouragement, help from family, friends, neighbors, and of course, my counselor! The kids are learning a ton (and so am I!) and we are figuring this out together. I love the flexibility it's given us. I can send my kids outside when I sense they need to get their wiggles out. I can start our day, and stop our day, at any time to interrupt with prayer when we need it most. We can do school in our PJ's, or we can go outside or to the library. It's our own playing field and I make the rules that best fit for MY kids individually and not as a large classroom. Right now, this is my full time job, my full time ministry and so far, I have no regrets!

You're Doing WHAT? (Part 1)

A few months ago, we made the courageous decision to home school our 3 children. Lot's of people have been asking, "Can I ask you why? Did something happen at school?".  Truth be told, it wasn't just one thing and it wasn't just school. If you asked me a year ago if I'd ever consider home schooling my children, I would've laughed in your face! Not because I'm against it, but because my house is small, my kids are crazy, I'm crazy and home school is a whole lot of crazy to be added to a small house with crazy kids and a crazy mom! God had other plans, though, and I couldn't deny the very strong call to do this over the last several months. One thing I've learned along the way, is to never be so confident in my life plan, thinking that I know what the next moves are all the time. God can change it up at any time and ask me to do something that I didn't plan for, and His plan will always be FAR better than mine!

The journey to this point began before I even knew it was beginning. Almost 2 years ago, my twin sister, Erika, called me and said, "I just took an online test. I have moderate to severe ADD. And by the way, you have it too." I laughed, not surprised much of her result but didn't quite think she was right about me! I hadn't even taken the test yet, so how would she know (when you're an identical twin, you kind of just know stuff...the way no one else could!)? I had her send me the test and sure enough...moderate to severe ADD. I took another, and another until I finally considered that this self diagnosis could be correct. I was kind of devastated. I felt sad in the weeks to follow. I always wondered why I was the way I was and thought my "bad habits" would go away as I got older. Or maybe when my kids got older and I had less on my plate. At this point I was facing the fact that this is not going anywhere; it's a thorn in my side.

A lot of people say, "I think everyone has ADD in them, we all have it a little." It's true that we all can lose focus, and become distracted. When it interrupts your life, affects your day to day and the people in those days, then that's when something needs to be done. While I always considered myself to be someone who had it "a little" I hadn't considered that I have it, like really have it! So when this realization came about, it affected me emotionally. I was sad and felt hopeless. I've gotten really good, over the years, at hiding my ADD and I think I got good at hiding it from myself. I wanted to deny this so badly, but at the same time, I knew God wanted me to do something.
A friend of mine referred me to a psychologist/counselor, and after getting his contact info, I called him...probably 6 months later (cause that's how us ADD peeps do things)! I started going to counseling in October of 2015 and began to learn how to live with this disorder in a way that was rewarding instead of feeling like a failure all of the time. I began learning about myself and how to use my strengths and how to change my outlook on my weaknesses. I turned them into challenges, goals, and began making strides in my day to day life. I was given tools and methods and was being held accountable for them all. There were many times that I would fall down and need to pick myself back up again, but instead of feeling like I failed, I was supported. I had my counselor, my husband, my best friend and my family all on my side. I became more open and honest about having ADD, anxiety, and insecurities. Letting that all out just made me stronger. None of it came easy, and at times, I felt like the changes I was making were going at such a slow pace. When I shared this with my counselor, he encouraged me and told me that my pace was perfect. I had been dealing with ADD my whole life with no help or awareness. My changes shouldn't come overnight! I SHOULD mess up and fall down and learn from my mistakes. As long as I didn't stop and hit rewind; as long as I could keep pressing on, I was on the right track. Once, he compared it to fad diets. People who go on a "quick fix" diet lose lots of weight, feel and look great in a very short amount of time. Then, before they know it, they're back to where they began, and sometimes even worse. This was something I could personally relate to! I began to appreciate this steadier pace; the pace I'm STILL on, to this day. It's guilt free, it's forgiving, and it's paved with victory!

So what does this have to do with home schooling my kids? Well, there's more on that, but I've realized, without learning about myself more, I would've never made the decision to home school. I'll share more about what led me to consider home schooling next time!

Changes in Mother's Day

Yesterday was my 10th Mother's Day. Over this past decade of my motherhood being celebrated, so much has changed. I remember my first mothers day...the husband just didn't quite get how special it was for me. Every other day of the year, the guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show that he's thinking of me, but on Mother's Day, he sort of...dropped the ball! I can remember crying about it and us getting into a heated discussion. I had been getting texts and calls all day asking how my first Mother's Day was and everyone asking "what did Steve do for you?!" I felt robbed (and quite sorry for myself). We've both changed very much since then. While Steve has made a substantial improvement, I have as well. Did you hear me say that, 'this guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show me that he's thinking of me....'? He's not perfect, but he shows his love for me so often and openly throughout the year that I wouldn't trade that for the most perfect Mother's Day ever.  I have grown in the fact that, while I may anticipate and hope for an amazingly spoiled mother's day (don't we all, ladies?!), I don't let my world crumble to pieces over it when my Mother's Day dreams don't come true. I look more forward to the next time Steve surprises me with an unexpected date on the town (with overnight sitters!!). Or when he randomly takes a day off from work to spend some much needed time at home. And (probably my favorite) when he goes food shopping and brings me home a little sushi treat! Awareness; on the days when I don't expect it. Way better than getting it all squished into one day. 10 years later, I feel the love on Mother's Day more than ever when I think about the days in between!