It's so fun to get off track sometimes, isn't it? Getting back on that track is so challenging, yet OH so rewarding! In the past year or so, I've learned a lot about myself and the insecurities that have lurked in my brain for several years. That whole story is for another day, but for now the short of it is this....it's not worth it. I've learned that thinking of how I look, or what I weigh, and constantly wondering what people must think of me is completely selfish, totally self centered and not honoring to God at all. I didn't feel like I was being selfish, because I was thinking badly of myself. It doesn't matter what we're thinking though, does it? Whether I'm constantly thinking good or bad of myself, I'm still obsessed with myself! Not what I want at all. That brought me to change. God called me to be done with that, so with much hard mental work, I made some major changes. I stopped weighing myself, stopped complaining about my body and how I looked and decided to just have a season where I wasn't focused so much on my image. It's been about a year or more and I have been so much happier! My outlook on things is so different. It hasn't been a perfect journey, and it probably won't ever be. I still have the tempting moments where I want to listen to those little voices saying, "just say you look fat, you know you do!" That's where my strength from the Lord comes in and saves the day, because I certainly could not fight those demons off on my own!
All of this brought on a sort of, a comfort for me. I was really healthy for most of this time, but over this past winter, I got extra comfy. I mean, who doesn't feel extra comfy when there's 3 feet of snow out side and you can hide under leggings and big sweaters?! Every time I could start to see that track I wanted to get back on, but it would snow again...making it really hard to see any track! Spring has come and is almost gone and now there's no excuse. I can see the track as plain as day. This past Monday, I decided to get on it and not look back. I don't usually weigh myself anymore but after joining My Fitness Pal a few days ago, I thought...ehh, what harm could it do? I had originally made some wild guess as to how much I gained. I was really hoping I had shot high with this guess, but turns out I was exactly right! Talk about knowing your body! Shockingly, I did quite well with the news. If this were the old me, I'd be dwelling in my sorrows for days on end, been a witch to my family, and probably would've Googled the latest fad diet and jumped on the wagon.
Not going there and I'm feeling quite victorious about the whole thing. I know the victory for getting back on track typically doesn't come till somewhere down the line...like after you've lost the weight or gained some muscle or completed some cleanse; but not this time. My jeans might be a little tighter, I may have divulged in some bad eating habits and become physically weaker, but I can't even explain the mental strength it takes for me to not let a number on a scale take me down. While I'm not willing to sit around and let my jeans get tighter and be ignorant of my health, I'm also not willing to look at myself like a failure or obsess over the whole thing (while it's quite tempting!).
I want to be healthy, I want to eat good, stay fit and not be sidetracked my by old self loathing attitude. Jeans getting tighter isn't the end of the world, it's the start of getting on track and taking the first steps with the right focus and frame of mind that God calls us to have when caring for our bodies. The best part about listening to what God wants is knowing He's right there with me the whole time. The second I feel alone is the moment I have fallen and tried to do it on my own. It will happen, probably more than once or twice. But with His grace and love, I will be picked up, once again, and move further along on that track each time!
