"You're Doing WHAT?!" (Part 2)

I'll start off by saying, that this time, it was NOT the fact that I have ADD that I haven't posted in so long! For those of you who know me, you know that we are expecting our 4th baby. We found out about this little bundle of surprise, about a week before we began homeschooling (go ahead, laugh!). I also have a very good friend, who had a life threatening tragedy happen to her around the same time (more on this in another post). Between those two things and beginning homeschooling, finding time, energy, and concentration to blog has been challenging to say the least. I'm here now though! So here's part 2....


I left off sharing about how I discovered myself to have adult ADD, how I get help for it, how I'm still working on it, and how I'm learning about myself. During that process one of the things I realized was that I had a lot on my plate. Since it's almost Thanksgiving, I'll use this analogy: every year I look forward to this meal like no other. It's my favorite! We celebrate Thanksgiving at my parents house with lots of family and TONS of food. We set it up buffet style (it looks so pretty!) and I fill my plate, piling all the fixings on top of each other, being careful not to let anything spill over. I take an annual picture of my overflowing dish and dig in. I try with all my might to finish every bite on my plate, regardless of how much I can't breathe for hours post dinner.  My life had been relating to this scene very much. "My eyes are bigger than my stomach"...but I somehow make it fit, no matter the cost. I had a lot on my plate in life, and I put everything on the plate all on my own without anyone telling me I had to. I liked being full, but hated not being able to breathe. It would affect my family and my happiness in the end...always. I was advised to start intentionally taking things off my plate and learning to say no...even when I really wanted to say yes at times. It was all about balance. It felt so freeing! While it felt freeing, it also felt still. At one point I had gotten rid of so much that it felt like the calm before the storm (but not in a negative way!). I prayed about it and felt God was saying, "be still, keep learning, something big is headed your way." I told my counselor this and he was very intrigued and excited. At one point I visited my younger sister, who home school's her daughter. She's the same age as my oldest son, and they both have similar focus issues. I couldn't believe what she was learning and how she was soaring with her studies! Meanwhile, my very intelligent son was regressing in school. His teacher kept telling me he couldn't focus, but that he was too smart to get any academic assistance. His class was big...like 25 students big. I started to wonder if I had truly considered all my options. I began researching and researching the idea of homeschooling. I talked about it to my husband and he was interested and supported me in looking into it more. I talked to best friend and sisters. I kept getting mixed reviews.. while one would say, "go for it, best idea!" the other would say, "you just slowed your life down, don't you think you should enjoy that?!" Well I honestly had no desire to just be still and enjoy the slowness, but I also didn't have any interest in crowding my plate again. I prayed, researched and finally brought it to my counselor. This man is a 30 year retiree professor from a prestigious college...the man is very intelligent and really knows his stuff...and my stuff haha! I knew if it was a crazy idea, he would tell me (especially being a former educator). I brought the idea to him and he said, "I think it's exactly what you're supposed to be doing, I think it's going to be the best thing for your kids, and I completely support the idea." Wow! I didn't see that coming. I thought there was a good chance of him saying, "wait another year." or, "are you sure? I'm not sure you're ready for that." But he knew me inside and out and he believed in me! It was so refreshing and exciting. I felt like I graduated something. Husband and I began taking it more seriously. We met other local homeschooling families, we looked into curriculum and home school groups and organizations. We prayed a lot, we eventually talked to the kids about it and came to the decision to go for it. At that point, I had only told my counselor, sisters and best friend. We made it official and began telling family and finally at the end of the school year, we made it more public. I still was working on my insecurities and it was difficult to share this news, a little fearful of what people may think or having to hear their opinions. But honestly, I overcame this insecurity through it all. It made me more confident as time went on. I had ZERO question that this was the direction God was leading me in.

 Even after finding out I was pregnant, even after being more fatigued in the last few months than I've ever been (or so it seems), even after most of my alone time has vanished, even though I clearly don't have this down yet, and even though the transition from public school to home school has been nothing short of a never ending struggle...I still just know. Life wasn't meant to be still, or easy and it looks different for us all. God has nestled Himself in our lives and in this decision. He's here all the time and works through others to provide just what we need: support and words of encouragement, help from family, friends, neighbors, and of course, my counselor! The kids are learning a ton (and so am I!) and we are figuring this out together. I love the flexibility it's given us. I can send my kids outside when I sense they need to get their wiggles out. I can start our day, and stop our day, at any time to interrupt with prayer when we need it most. We can do school in our PJ's, or we can go outside or to the library. It's our own playing field and I make the rules that best fit for MY kids individually and not as a large classroom. Right now, this is my full time job, my full time ministry and so far, I have no regrets!

You're Doing WHAT? (Part 1)

A few months ago, we made the courageous decision to home school our 3 children. Lot's of people have been asking, "Can I ask you why? Did something happen at school?".  Truth be told, it wasn't just one thing and it wasn't just school. If you asked me a year ago if I'd ever consider home schooling my children, I would've laughed in your face! Not because I'm against it, but because my house is small, my kids are crazy, I'm crazy and home school is a whole lot of crazy to be added to a small house with crazy kids and a crazy mom! God had other plans, though, and I couldn't deny the very strong call to do this over the last several months. One thing I've learned along the way, is to never be so confident in my life plan, thinking that I know what the next moves are all the time. God can change it up at any time and ask me to do something that I didn't plan for, and His plan will always be FAR better than mine!

The journey to this point began before I even knew it was beginning. Almost 2 years ago, my twin sister, Erika, called me and said, "I just took an online test. I have moderate to severe ADD. And by the way, you have it too." I laughed, not surprised much of her result but didn't quite think she was right about me! I hadn't even taken the test yet, so how would she know (when you're an identical twin, you kind of just know stuff...the way no one else could!)? I had her send me the test and sure enough...moderate to severe ADD. I took another, and another until I finally considered that this self diagnosis could be correct. I was kind of devastated. I felt sad in the weeks to follow. I always wondered why I was the way I was and thought my "bad habits" would go away as I got older. Or maybe when my kids got older and I had less on my plate. At this point I was facing the fact that this is not going anywhere; it's a thorn in my side.

A lot of people say, "I think everyone has ADD in them, we all have it a little." It's true that we all can lose focus, and become distracted. When it interrupts your life, affects your day to day and the people in those days, then that's when something needs to be done. While I always considered myself to be someone who had it "a little" I hadn't considered that I have it, like really have it! So when this realization came about, it affected me emotionally. I was sad and felt hopeless. I've gotten really good, over the years, at hiding my ADD and I think I got good at hiding it from myself. I wanted to deny this so badly, but at the same time, I knew God wanted me to do something.
A friend of mine referred me to a psychologist/counselor, and after getting his contact info, I called him...probably 6 months later (cause that's how us ADD peeps do things)! I started going to counseling in October of 2015 and began to learn how to live with this disorder in a way that was rewarding instead of feeling like a failure all of the time. I began learning about myself and how to use my strengths and how to change my outlook on my weaknesses. I turned them into challenges, goals, and began making strides in my day to day life. I was given tools and methods and was being held accountable for them all. There were many times that I would fall down and need to pick myself back up again, but instead of feeling like I failed, I was supported. I had my counselor, my husband, my best friend and my family all on my side. I became more open and honest about having ADD, anxiety, and insecurities. Letting that all out just made me stronger. None of it came easy, and at times, I felt like the changes I was making were going at such a slow pace. When I shared this with my counselor, he encouraged me and told me that my pace was perfect. I had been dealing with ADD my whole life with no help or awareness. My changes shouldn't come overnight! I SHOULD mess up and fall down and learn from my mistakes. As long as I didn't stop and hit rewind; as long as I could keep pressing on, I was on the right track. Once, he compared it to fad diets. People who go on a "quick fix" diet lose lots of weight, feel and look great in a very short amount of time. Then, before they know it, they're back to where they began, and sometimes even worse. This was something I could personally relate to! I began to appreciate this steadier pace; the pace I'm STILL on, to this day. It's guilt free, it's forgiving, and it's paved with victory!

So what does this have to do with home schooling my kids? Well, there's more on that, but I've realized, without learning about myself more, I would've never made the decision to home school. I'll share more about what led me to consider home schooling next time!

Changes in Mother's Day

Yesterday was my 10th Mother's Day. Over this past decade of my motherhood being celebrated, so much has changed. I remember my first mothers day...the husband just didn't quite get how special it was for me. Every other day of the year, the guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show that he's thinking of me, but on Mother's Day, he sort of...dropped the ball! I can remember crying about it and us getting into a heated discussion. I had been getting texts and calls all day asking how my first Mother's Day was and everyone asking "what did Steve do for you?!" I felt robbed (and quite sorry for myself). We've both changed very much since then. While Steve has made a substantial improvement, I have as well. Did you hear me say that, 'this guy is bringing me home little prizes all the time to show me that he's thinking of me....'? He's not perfect, but he shows his love for me so often and openly throughout the year that I wouldn't trade that for the most perfect Mother's Day ever.  I have grown in the fact that, while I may anticipate and hope for an amazingly spoiled mother's day (don't we all, ladies?!), I don't let my world crumble to pieces over it when my Mother's Day dreams don't come true. I look more forward to the next time Steve surprises me with an unexpected date on the town (with overnight sitters!!). Or when he randomly takes a day off from work to spend some much needed time at home. And (probably my favorite) when he goes food shopping and brings me home a little sushi treat! Awareness; on the days when I don't expect it. Way better than getting it all squished into one day. 10 years later, I feel the love on Mother's Day more than ever when I think about the days in between!